I tried, I really did, but I felt like it took the fun away! I was practically MAKING myself write something, and even then it didn’t work most of the time. I tried that #BookadayUK thing, but once again I just felt like I was forcing myself. So, new plan, I’m just going to blog whenever I God damn feel like it!
That’s always been an issue for me, being told what to do and when to do it. I’m not saying I’m a rebellious teenager who “don’t take no crap from no one”, I just mean that I’ve never been very good when it comes to doing things I’m told to do… and I mean this literally.
Let me give you an example. When I was younger, my parents would tell me every weekend to tidy my room. I would, but only for about 30 minutes and the outcome would sometimes look even worse (this is because I’d pick everything up off the floor and put it on my bed ready for me to put away, but in the end, the remaining stuff on the bed would all get thrown on the floor when I had to go to sleep). Another example would be cooking dinner. I’ll give it a good go, but in the end I’ll end up burning something or needing mum to do it for me because I can’t remember how to tell weather sausages are cooked properly or if the rice is done or not.
However, if I find; whilst laying on my bed on a Saturday morning, that I would like to spend the day tidying my room and making it all clean and dust free, you can bet that at the end of the day it will be spotless. Likewise if I offer to cook dinner, everything will be cooked to perfection, no mummy aid needed.
So that is what I mean, when it comes to being told what to do, regardless of what it is, I’m just literally not very good at it.
This type of motivation dictated my revision timetable during my exams. I’d basically spend the day doing odd bits and bobs, waiting for the moment where I suddenly think “I want to revise now”. I only did this because revising when I simply had no want to, was a complete waste of time since nothing went in and I only ended up confusing myself since my mind was focused on all of the other things I could be doing.
More than anything, I wish I had a different way of thinking. My best friend is amazing, he’ll write a list of things he needs to do that day or that week and every single one of those things WILL get done. He’s the kind of person sets himself daily goals and sticks to them as if his life depended on it. One time for lent, he gave up caffeine, so this meant no energy drinks, coffee or tea and no medicines that contained caffeine (background info: he was a bit of an energy drink junky… now he’s a coffee junky but that’s not as bad right?). He lasted the whole 40 days, despite coming down with Glandular Fever and being ill for 2 weeks, partly due to caffeine withdrawal and also due to the sudden drop in his vitamin D levels. Another time, I had to talk him out of doing this weird detox thing where all he consumed was this weird drink which included grass and fish, because I knew that (unlike me) he’d keep going with it even if his body seriously didn’t like it.
Me on the other hand, I couldn’t even last 2 days with my lent. I found myself “getting round the rules” a lot of the time, using things like “technically white chocolate isn’t chocolate is it because it doesn’t have cocoa in it, so I’m allowed this milky bar”, “Hot chocolate doesn’t count because it’s a liquid” and “things which have chocolate chips don’t count if chocolate isn’t in the name, so this fudge is OK because it’s mostly fudge and not chocolate anyway”
I guess I’m just worried that I’m not going to be able to achieve the things that I want to achive because even though I want it, I don’t seem to always have the motivation to get it. This, is something I am really struggling to understand.